So you’ve been eyeing that celestial hunk at the gym with the glistening six pack – or was it six wings? – and biceps thick as a seraphic ox. In between fighting demons and drinking games with Gabriel, your reserved general, known secretly in the barracks as stick-up-the-ass, has started to well, grow on you. Even his frowns and flaming hair seem somehow cute quirks. You don’t even mind that all he seems to eat is steel cut oatmeal, burgers, beer and steak. Sometimes when he’s drilling you in battalion formation his eyes crinkle in a smile. He even got drunk one night and tried to kiss you.
Something is up with Michael.
Don’t fret, Seraphina or Cherubina, here’s a handy dandy dating profile on Heaven’s Hugest Nerd:
Name: Michael Archstratigos, General and Prince of Heaven
Eyes: Emerald Green, according to Islamic mystics
Hair: Saffron Red, or just flames
Smells Like: Your favorite childhood memory, a home so dear to your heart you weep
Personal Style: Manscaper. No beard here. Usually dressed in Golden Roman armor a tunica and sandals, or jeans, hiking boots, and a cableknit green sweater.
Likes: Ryan Reynolds, Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars, Enrique Iglesias, anything Lin Manuel Miranda touches, sports sports sports, war war war, meat meat meat, autumn, playing guitar, long hikes, Jedi monk crap, Abrahamic texts, swords, the other archangels, his soldiers, humanity, GOD
Hates: Samael, demons, false spirits, drunkenness, the Seven Deadly Sins, not being able to deal with a situation by stabbing the problem into submission – or death, Gaston, people that don’t appreciate literature
Perfect Date: Taking you to any body of water or autumn woods, playing guitar for you, and picnicking, then meditating and having a long existential talk about the universe
Thinks He Is: The Beast, George Washington from Hamilton, and Spiderman
Favorite Jams: Alguien Soy Yo by Enrique Iglesias, Joan of Arc by Leonard Cohen, Strangers by Aztec Two Step, My Shot from Hamilton, B’shem HaShem
Passion: Gardening, Fighting, Wrestling, Pretty Girls
Can Most Likely Be Found: Having an aneurysm over something Samael did, reading, fighting demons for fun or for work, stabbing things, working with his hands
Talents: Miracles, Healing, Divine Protection, Being a Cuddlebuddy, Listening to Allie Ramble on for Hours on End Every Hour of the Day, Saving Allie’s Ass, Not Having Killed Allie for Being a Little Shit
Favorite Quote: “We are but whispers of the infinite. Divinity is in your hands. Open to all. In those possibilities, you will find endlessness, truth, a higher cause. Never stop fighting, and illumination will soon follow. Be all, see all, know all that you can be.” (Wow he won’t shut up)
Favorite Movie: “The Godfather”
Favorite Soda: “Lemon or Lime flavored drinks, or a Slushie”
Favorite Pizza: “Pepperoni, nothing extra”
Favorite Candy: “I give you butterscotch for a reason”
Favorite Holiday: “Christmas”
Favorite Country: “Italy. Seat of the Vatican, after all, and just look at the architecture.”
Favorite Book: “Les Liaisons Dangereuses, or the Bible.” (Okay then) “Would you believe me if I said Marquis de Sade.” (No???) “You believed the romance novel. I don’t read romance novels.” (Isn’t parts of the Bible a romance novel?) “Hahaha. No. That is the Word. Of God.”
Favorite Food: “Linguini.”
“I also like the opera.”
“Why are you channeling me on your blog?”
“Don’t you have homework to do?”
Never mind. Don’t date him. He’ll drag you for writing his dating profile.