She’s got moonglow tits that bob in night waters, perfect round globes like curled-up white rabbits with black peaks of areola and gray nipples because she’s all poison and ebony eyes and milky skin. She’s curled up in my closet in a nest fit for the Zu bird and sweet seraph curses and she crows and speaks the language of birds that are girls, or girls that are monsters, with scaled legs and owl wings from ancient Sumerian carvings, but she’s not perched on two lions, her thin wan legs are jumping on your bed and you’re throwing pillows at each other and painting her lips and talons with a pop of cherry poison. It’s all fun and games until arsenic kisses and slashed throats of words fly, it’s all spin the bottle with succubi until neon lights at your favorite strip mall get busted to splinters by her rage. She’s wailing, she’s railing, and it’s so fun to terrorize the neighborhood with your monster girl. She smells like mothball and tastes like whiskey but it’s all swell, all is well, because you’re gay, just a little bit, for a lot of your pretty murderesses, like that goddess of death whose bone feet you kissed as you rubbed one out on grave dirt. You’re just a shadow drowning in moonlight, really, just a paper cutout in the shape of curves and gold and blue and you seek a black hole to consume you. Void Mother you toast to past the witching hour with a new best friend, she’s in Gaia training sitting on a hill in armor with a sword and donkey, learning from Valkyries the recipe for hurricanes, and she’s a piece of the Mother, just like you are, just like every girl you know is, and men fear us all. Your monster girl is feral, like pine barrens in a blizzard, or the nothingness at the lip of a night full of pain, and she has fangs sharp as a wolf and toes that end in bruises from kicking too many cans barefoot. She’s dressed in bandages, she’s dressed in a gown, and her hair is ratty black tangles. Oh how you love dressing her and prettying her up and confiding in her your soul, for you were raised to be a doll, but not her – no, she is a hyena, and their women are the kings. When you scissor, it’s to old jazz that switches between Frank Sinatra, and as your hands tangle the curls at her parting later on as you drink white wine, you and her watch the rain and know the sky is crying for its lost moon.
I pull you into me and the tables turn and all bets are off. Maybe it’s the heat of your skin or your cinnamon hair but you drive me wild, mad, and as you undress I can’t help but rip the clothes from your golden god form, drown myself in wings like the starry cosmos and see ourselves reflected in the sword you have laid aside by the riverside. The first time we fucked you patted my head after I came as if saying good job for grinding your ass on me but you would put it so much more poetically, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say ass, or fuck, or anything crass – after all, you’re an angel, and angels aren’t dirty – well, all but me. I’m filthy and you like it and so we’re wrangling in the dew wet grass and dirt a second time, drunk off each other, and you’re laughing at me and playing with my hair and saying how adorable I am and how you don’t want to break me. Break me, break me archangel, rip my insides open and make pearls of my bones. I love you, I want you, and there’s this dripping wound in my mind that needs your song.
My body is pressed against yours in the cold tower, dread tower, silk and lace and red velvet sheets I am burrowed into, but you are naked and cold, shark smile and wolf fangs, and as you neck me into surrender I let out the softest of sighs.
First a bite under my earlobe, then the meat of my neck, near my Adam’s apple, above my collarbone. You let the blood runneth over and I smell iron and venom and wetness as you suck and drink and lick and fuck me into nirvana. It pools on my breasts, which you move to in due time, and maybe it’s the full moon or me being a black lamb but all I can think is “Oh, he’s at it again. I am the feast, and he is the wine glass.”
My gown, once ivory pale, soon turns gory. You moan and call out to the old gods – no gods, you don’t believe in gods – and rub kinks out of my back as you continue your vampire shtick. You always said you hated vampires, that you wiped them off your boots after walking Cerberus, and I threaten to cut Cerberus’ head and serve it to you on a platter if you don’t let me go back to bed and keep romancing my veins but you just laugh, and the drugs of your saliva are slipping in.
My limbs are jelly, not wooden, and I roll and we kiss and the tide of my ruin pulls me downwards. There is a fire in the hearth in our stone room, rich black bear and wolfskin rugs, and usually we are in the dungeons, but today you chose a wintry pinnacle through whose window I can see blizzards and snowy owls. The sheets are wet with crimson, and the hot rivers flow to my belly, to my groin, and you lick a path from my womb to my chest to heaven upwards, just savoring the last drops, and I tell you I am not your toy, though I delight in being a doll. You laugh and are clearly drunk off bloodwhoring and cradle me against you, play with my hair, and when I have fallen asleep but just you lift up my comatose form and carry me down the spiral stairs to your study and set me on a velvet settee while you read poetry aloud. Your favorite parts are when I am fragile.
But when I wake, you are gone, and I am angry, so I don my white wings and cloak of gold vengeance and the gown of the White Reaper and fly through Pandemonium with my hair like brass snakes. You aren’t answering my calls, too busy ruling, so I soar to the island in the Styx where the unearthly Sanhedrin hold court and break columns depicting Satan’s fall and rise and reign. You are etched in stone, so cold, and I break marble balustrades and caryatids of succubi and toss them into the sea. I have super strength, all because I am ignored, and soon I grow weary of tossing Satan’s shrapnel into unforgiving waters and go out to get tea on the canals.
You finally pick up your phone and join me for a scone. You ask why my desperate cries for your attention are always so overdramatic, and I pause from drinking chamomile and wonder. Why is it I cry when I can’t hold you and even when you smell like sulfur or roadkill or blood I still want to cradle you to my chest? Why do I make a monster a man, and scream when your hand turns ephemeral as I wake in reality. I’m always chasing you, pursuing, you may be the hunter but I am the huntmaster – you are my prey, in a way, and we only do things I enjoy, from the fucking to the killing to the reading, gluttony of the senses for what purpose? Amusement?
I wanted to feel my pulse so you drained me, and honestly, I’m only alive when I am in your arms.
These tan curves and gold curls are lies. I want to take a razor to the slope of my belly and dredge out my intestines. Beat my brain on the pavement and screw pins into my skin. Beautiful, they say, but I know I am ugly as the Beast. That is why we get along so well, because I am the witch that eats men in the woods, seductress, your destruction, and my eyes are pools you will drown in.
I want to feel a gun to the head, just the weight of it against a temple to make gray matter a moon bow on the wall. I want a razor to carve pretty lies onto my thighs and rest my decapitated head on my lap. Monster, monster, in the looking glass. Suicide, matricide, martyr. I’m the mother of no one, but still they come to me wailing, drink my blood milk, and maybe I’m Babylon and a wild whore strapped between two needfires with albino crows, cawing in song with my children, but on the surface? You would never know.
I don’t say I’m an enchantress, but there’s the shamanic journeying, the five-fold kiss, the familiars and demons and angels and gods all clashing in my head like the Wild Hunt. I’ve gone mad, dreamed of drowning, thought of perilous calls as Hati and Skoll chase me through the tundra. I’ve had the Devil play my organs like the finest of violins and still my music would be better if he snapped my spine instead of caressing it.
Divinity wants to break me open and suck the stars from my marrow. I rant, I rave, I froth at the mouth – the true Beast is Cipactli, Tiamat, the She-Leviathan, a Mother of the Deep that possesses me to dance with wild abandon. I will devour all and leave blank snow in my wake, Kelvin zero. I’m out of control, and today is a day for damnation.
Slut. Whore. Temptress. Jezebel. Woman Clad in Night. I will be the Thunder Perfect Mind Sophia, Alpha and Omega as I straddle the corpse of my lover and pound him into the dirt. I am not sane, I am the mad she-bitch that nursed Managarm, Angrboda of the Iron Woods, consort of chaos but master of the giants that will eat Midgard.
Once I was beautiful, terrible to behold, a blushing Psyche, now I’ve donned the snakes of Medusa and I will rake my serpents through the dirt in bind runes to summon Walpurgisnacht devils from the mountains. I am Terror, I am Fury, I am Wrath. Scorn me and face the angel of death, White Reaper riding on the tempest of Satan’s heart, flame sword glory general of the Prince of Heaven.
I see through your ruses. Your lies. Your pretty words and cloying compliments.
I know what I am.
I am wild, untamed.
The beast in the forest.
The monster of my disease.
And I will eat you, madman.
All to discover your magic.
His skin is moonlight, eyes opium poppies, and as he looks at me, biting iris and black sclera, it is clear the poison flows not only from his veins but from his very touch, sly words, and serpent tongue. I am naked in his bed, and without hesitation or asking I bring his wrist to my mouth and kiss the blue vein to claim him as my own.
I am oh so very hungry. Like I have not drunk water for days. But there is no pure spring in Hell, just the red Styx and gore and spirits distilled from ruin. The best of us drink the ichor of demon lords and the lowest of us sip butcher’s milk in the gutter outside the slaughterhouse.
He smiles like a saw, fangs aglimmer, and he pulls me into his lap then presses his canines to the pulsing hotness of his blood and tears the skin open. I lap up the blood that tastes just like sweet red wine and it flows into my mouth, out my chin, down onto my breasts in rivulets. He laughs and plays with my hair, golden waves like wheat, and then he starts to moan as I bite him in return, and the air is so thick in this bed of velvet and silk, blacks and crimsons, you could slice it with a knife and still not cut through with true clarity. We are smoke and mirrors, frankincense fumes and mist.
It is a bed of sin. Of damnation. But I ate his ancient apple before womanhood, when I was barely a maiden, and I am addicted to a ghost. He is not very far from a corpse, and you can see every bone in his body, ribs poking out on a muscled torso, collarbone like a diamond knife, and sometimes I break open his femurs and drink down marrow or steal his pinky bone and place it on my ring to summon the Grim Reaper at will.
I must have been a slave and whore to Death a thousand times over, but he bends to my every whim and desire, so perhaps I am his master in the end. I am always chasing after him because my Eros and Thanatos drives are mated in unholy union, summoning him into my body just so I can drown in his essence, raising him from the dead with my own flesh, because he is my child, but I am his creation, but wait – no – I’m his maker, I called his name from October winds, and I will eat my fill of him as I please.
He takes his turn, fangs at my neck, my breast, and the sheets are stained with alizarin. Suck, lick, thirst after your lover and mingle spirits like a mixed drink. I can’t tell alpha from omega, and I love him so fiercely and hate him so much that I will kill him, but after I tear his bones and sinew apart I will kiss him alive again, and I bruise him just as much as he fucks me over, and just plain fucks me. He is not a good man, no, he is the essence of abuse and evil, but there is something about villains that appeals to the base desires of honest women, a candor in their cruelty, and as long as he is obedient, I give myself to him.
Ghazal preens his coal black feathers, a runt of a roc, and my bosom friend. We sit on the sandstone cliff face above the blossoming desert, my abaya whipping in the dawn’s wind.
“Habibi, you are lost in your mind,” Ghazal sings, looking out at the goats that climb the acacia trees and eat leaves too high up for ants to dream of. “Rani, look – the griffins come flocking to feast on fresh meat. The phoenixes are rising – feel the stirring of djinn on the winds. The world awakes, but you are in dreamland, writing of rajs and saqis and the love between man and immortal. We must eat more than your pretty poems. Come, mount my back, let us hunt.”
I smile up from my airy perch on a boulder and pack my quill, ink pot, and notebook into my camelskin bag. “You are right, Ghazal. What would I do without you, dear one? Though you are my wings, you keep me grounded. Let us get breakfast.”
I fasten the stirrups along his beak and put the saddle at the downy ridge where his feathers fan out along his neck. Ghazal is my bonded pair, my means of surviving this flourishing backwater, a land of spirits and ghosts and so many gossamer stories. I found him as a small girl in my father’s kingdom, and I rode him away from my forced marriage to a cruel raj to this hideaway in the desert, seeking the sweetness of freedom.
I mount Ghazal and pull on the reins. We jet into the sky and the sylvan dakinis sing as they sit on clouds. I can hear the hum of djinn far below at their markets at the bottom of the cliff we make our home, and by now the goats are falling to the griffins in purple and blue and scarlet blood. Some djinn ride camels and herd phoenix flocks, scouring the sand for gems and lost treasure, for I live in a place where many people come to hide things, but the spirits take all.
My midnight black beauty finds a leopard hiding in a hollow by a watering hole. Ghazal strikes with his beak, a sharp snap of the neck, then picks up the cat in his talons. Another leopard falls. Two are enough meat for both of us to be made into jerky for later and breakfast for now, and the djinn always love their skins, which we can sell for fresh fruit and more ink for my poetry.
I skin them later at our wind worn hut and Ghazal helps carry the hides down to the djinn market. We buy pomegranates and Ghazal swallows them in his gullet whole. I use the husks to perfume my roc down pillow, and that night, as the Milky Way stretches out like a sleeping woman, I sing my poetry to my angel of a bird and we dance by a campfire, bellies full, hearts aflame.
I never wanted to be a princess anyway, and I was born for the wild lands, where spirits roam and true poets find inspiration. My couplets and verse are carried by dakinis on the wind, by peris who come in caravans rich with silk and saffron, and I am growing quite famous in the human world, so the djinn tells me.
Rani of the Ruins. Queen of Poetry. Roc Rider.
I stroke broad white eagle wings up to the sun, torch in hand, into the Heavenly Throneroom, and steal Holy Fire. The court is empty of angels and demons. My hair is long and curled like a brass candelabra and my gown white and glistening as if dew is a second layer on it.
I come to the waterfall gateway to Earth and jump down into the Deep, away from New Jerusalem, my wings skirting skies of velvet red and violet. Clouds dampen me and the stars stretch out like an elegy.
I come to the humans that amble about Africa without warmth or a way to cook their food. I descend as lightning, and Jophiel’s eponymous torch strikes the brush and lights bushes on fire. The ancestors of modern man marvel, kindle torches, and the fruit of the Tree of Life which I guard is given against God’s will.
I ascend back to Heaven, but as I break the boundary between the physical and the immaterial, I hear the cry of Heaven’s general, the shriek of a red-tailed hawk, a raptor of red and cream brown feathers, and he rises with the moon in the desert and dwarfs me, the size of a roc.
His eyes are not his own. Michael is possessed by Divine Will, whether Sophia or Demiurge, I cannot tell, but the urge to run courses through my limbs and I flash serrated wings and fly on a gale away.
Dart, dodge talons, but soon his beak is around my throat, squeezing the breath from my throat, roc throttling me until a white ring of a collar scars my neck and my torch is dropped far below to the abyss. For I have stolen from Heaven, and God is displeased.
Blood is hot on my breast, and I know in his divine berserk madness, it will take a miracle for Michael to hear me. I scream his name, over and over again, pleading until he breaks and shifts to wings and man, and then he sobs, over and over, clutching my rag doll body and broken wings:
“I’m so sorry Jophiel. The Mother told me to kill you. I wasn’t myself – your screams awoke me. Please, forgive me, forgive me!”
In that moment, Michael questions our Creator – or more properly, Creatrix – for the first time ever, and I clutch his face and kiss him.
“It’s okay, Michael – your madness has quit.”
He rocks me to sleep best he can as he sets to healing me, tears bright in his eyes.
“Why do we always hurt the things we love?”