So my best friend Sam just got an offer of representation from the fabulous literary agent Patricia Nelson. Sam writes lush historical fantasy and her twisted retelling of Cinderella set during the French Revolution with illusion magic and victim’s balls is literally to be guillotined for. I am so proud of Sam and cannot wait to see her books on library shelves where they belong! My favorite is still in the works, so I’ll keep hush about it, but needless to say, she is awesome!
I’m still waiting on about seven literary agents, from #DVPit request to two fulls and two partials. From Brandon Sanderson’s agent to Meg Cabot’s agent to two new rock star agents, they are all really awesome and if even one was to offer it would make my life. I mean, I’ve wanted to be an author since I was eleven and I penned my first space opera and locked my baby brother in the room and read him the entire plot of Jupiter Ascending mixed with the Book of Enoch that was my drivel of a novel. Then I kept on writing, and writing, and writing, short stories and long stories and essays and poetry… and I’m still writing. I’ll admit I’m stalling a bit on my fiction: my short story Ghazal hasn’t progressed past 2,000 words and Chwal and Space Oddity are still at 20,000. It’s hard to focus on new projects when you have your manuscript out with four awesome agents and queries out with others. You’re kind of in no man’s land, and you might pour all your creative energy into distractions, which for me means I go apeshit with poetry.
I’m probably a far better poet than I am a writer, and that’s okay, I’ve only ever finished two novels out of the ten or so I tried to complete from elementary school on. The first got a lot of interest from Sourcebooks and Harlequin but unfortunately no one wants to publish New Adult romance, as that genre is unmarketable and as dead as a fish out of water. Also, the writing probably wasn’t the best, as it was my first finished novel and not the most meticulously plotted, oversaturated with characters, and a bit juvenile. But that’s okay. I loved writing it, and my second novel is better.
Will Ivan Kupalo get published? I have no idea. I’ve had agents tell me the writing is lush and perfect but that the plot sucked, that the concept was perfect but the writing was unpolished and lacking, that the story was poorly executed or that the story was crafted perfectly but they just didn’t fall in love with it. I honestly can’t revise when like twenty agents are giving me completely conflicting feedback, and there’s no point in revising when you have fulls and like five partials out. One of my dream agents did give me a revise and resubmit, and if all seven agents fail I would be more than happy to edit again and revise – I am getting that itch, as I am constantly playing with projects, and Ivan Kupalo is in dire need of revamping with my newly acquired skills. I’ve grown a lot as a writer since December, but I’m hoping to be doing editing from the other side of the fence this time – with an agent to guide me!
So where do I stand now? Who knows. Maybe this was a practice novel. But I love the story I told, and the journey was worth it. Things are moving along in my life. I got a graduate teaching assistantship, full scholarship, and huge stipend from my master’s program, and I’m seriously considering becoming a professor of communication and doing the PhD track. I have a wonderful man in my life that I love. I’m independent now and supporting myself. My kindred is doing great and my magickal abilities are intensifying. The gods and angels are on my side. My mental health is the most stable it’s been since I went to the ward at 19, and 5 summers later, after my bipolar type 1 with psychotic features, OCD, and panic disorder/anxiety diagnosis, I graduated with honors from the top school in Virginia, have been published in everything from POWER Magazine to Renewable Energy World, learned a lot of life lessons, taught myself to read again after my mind was decimated by illness, overcame bouts of depression and mania, and have become a very strong person.
I found a religious path that I have been meandering towards since I became pagan at 7 after reading D’aulaires, and my kindred has brought such joy and completion into my life. I found my tribe. I am training magickally and have cut out toxic people in my life and toxic spirits. I’m learning to ground, to shield, to shamanic journey in controlled settings instead of dangerously astral projecting to the otherworlds and almost ending up demon chow or being dumb enough to invoke an archangel into my body by force and then have a seizure (I was a dumb 16 year old, okay). I’m rambling, but really, my writing can wait.
I’m still a really shitty writer. Most authors don’t get published until they’re 30 or 40. I don’t think I’ll ever find my voice, as I literally have a hundred different writing personalities… but whatever. It’s funner that way! Point is, I’m still growing, and my writing still needs a crapload of editing before it hits shelves. I’m not even halfway through my twenties and every year, my writing grows by leaps and bounds.
Someday I will be a decent writer, a decent poet, a decent blogger. Maybe I’ll even get a novel published. But I’m not counting on it, instead, I will just continue to write and enjoy living dozens of lives from New Orleans to outer space to mythical Russia to other worlds like Asgard and Heaven. Writing for me is above all a spiritual endeavor: all my writing is pagan by nature, and all of it is a take on mental illness and struggles with inner demons. I color my own writing, I can’t be divorced from the reality that I am a seriously mentally ill disabled writer that literally believes the gods talk to her and actually sees them in physical reality, does magick, channels deities like Loki and the Grim Reaper, manifests reality through intention, and considers some of the most eldritch spirits in existence friends or beasts to be tamed. When you’ve been raised by the archangels and archdemons since the ripe old age of 2, you end up kind of… weird.
The divine is extremely immanent for me – I can feel and perceive spirits with all five of my senses, so of course I offer up my writing to the divine like Joan of Arc on a paper pyre. Honestly, most of my writing is channeled, as as my gythia says, “You’re channeling all the fucking time,” and I do so without realizing it, but hey, it makes for a good story. Words pour into my head through my crown chakra, poems bubble up from my heart, and the ancient ones rise up and paint my life in Joseph Campbell colors.
Writing is a journey. It never ends. All I can do is enjoy the scenery.